My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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