Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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