My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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