I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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