my vag is so smooth its legendary
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
