he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
