White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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