I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i dont even know how to be here
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Can you repeat that, but with context?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
