wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
This toilet bowl is my home.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
