I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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