You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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