Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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