he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
