dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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