and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
