Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
