i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
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