Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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