Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
