Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
