Im at strip club and am horny
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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