How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
