I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
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