Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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