Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize