The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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