You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Randomize
