It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
