went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
