Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
should my penis look like a turkey
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
