so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
