My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
