how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Randomize
