don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just high enough for therapy.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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