He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
