Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize