Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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