So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
