doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I can't put those talents on a resume
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize