why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
