if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
i need to put some appletini on your dick
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
