had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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