if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
whose ass print is on the piano?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize