i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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