ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
there's paper in my vomit.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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