Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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