My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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