I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
