my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
