Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
