Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
