So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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