so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize