Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
