Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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