Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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