i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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