I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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