Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
