i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
