you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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