Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
