In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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